Do you know someone who is a people pleaser? You know the type, you can depend on them agreeing to do anything for you and it's a bit of a shock if they say no!
Maybe you recognise this in yourself and find it difficult to refuse a request from someone.
Generally in the long run pps get disrespected, undervalued and overlooked.
But this blog is about being in a realtionship with a pp.
The relationship could be a professional one or a personal one.
The up side, you would think, of this is that the pp would do everything they could to please you - so you can be sure they are dependable...... well not exactly, you see the pp relationship is not exclusive,,, so they are trying to keep lots of people happy - not just you. It's not really possible so it's therefore safe to say that being in a relationship with a pp means that you cannot rely on them. The fact that their intentions were good means that they do not like it when you criticise them, after all they have every good intention towards you but they just couldn't give any more. It seems to them unfair that you cannot understand this.
Ask anyone who works with or lives with a pp and you will find that frustration will crop up in their reply.
Pps think they are loyal and need to be seen as loyal and good friends but they cannot be faithful or true to you in the broadest sense. They are a sucker for someone in trouble or someone they can impress.
It's bad enough in a professional relationship but if your partner, spouse or other is a pp then as you are probably the most certain most reliable person in their lives and they don't need to work too hard to please you, so you will be the bottom of the pile when it comes to helping people out. You will get frustrated regularly asthey continue to let you down through helping someone else out. It's hard though too be too angry as that makes you seem chrlish because after all they are letting you down whilst serving others - not going on a bender!
In most cases the best relationship to have with a pp is a casual friendship as you are not to be taken for granted but still impressable.
My clients often suffer from partners who are people pleasers and it's often partners of pps who need the Assertiveness Training.. here are some examples:
A friend who needed to impress men and would drop any arrangements with her girlfriend at a moments notice if she got a better offer from a man. She would also ignore her friend socially if a suitable man joined the conversation.
A wife who found her husband, a pp, was going to the extreme of giving away their childrens toys to impress casual friends.
Generally pps are really good at talking the talk but a little incapacitated when it comes to sustaining the walk long term.
People Pleasers have a real psychological problem. You might think that they would benefit from assertiveness training but many of them can be assertive.
Anyone who felt they needed an assertiveness course can also tell you that knowing how to do something can help a little but if it doesn't feel right then you still have a problem. Each time you practise the activities you have learned you have to stretch your comfort zone that much more. Over time it will embed but not if there is an emotion attached to your need to pp.
Getting to the reason why pps need to get the affirmations from others and they cannot respect themselves is an interesting therapeutic journey with a very liberating ending.
This is just one of the reasons why being a hypnotherapist is so satisfying.
However, self-hypnosis is about relaxing and using very basic techniques like, positive mental attitude or positive suggestion to help you accomplish the things you desire. And by the way although I say these are very basic tecniques, they are also very easy to get wrong if you are untrained. It can also include listening to pre-recorded tapes that are not personalised to you - just to the things you are aiming for. You can even buy a book of scripts and record your own to listen to and your own voice is often more effective that a strangers voice.
Whereas with hypnotherapy it is the last bit of the word that has the impact - therapy. So when you are with your therapist they should firstly take some time to talk to you. Depending on your therapists training and experience the therapy could be based on a number of techniques and these should be personalised to your needs.
The other important advantage of therapy is that the therapist can see beyond your understanding of the problem and that is often where the solution lies. A good example to illustrate this is dreaming. When you have a dream you sometimes have an idea about where it came from but often (especially with the weird and wonderful ones) you have no idea why you should have dreamt that. Your therapist, when presented with your dream, will be able to relate the dream to what s/he knows about you and often will be able to find a meaning that escaped you but that makes complete sense to you once you have heard it.
However, hypnosis and hypnotherapy are never more than a deep relaxation and you can experience the same in many situations. You are not asleep but not fully awake and in that state similar to when you are daydreaming or drifting. It is also not unusual, if you are using a tape, to feel as though you stopped listening at the same place each time after you have listened for a few times. You have not gone to sleep but just gone somewhat deeper and it is perfectly normal.
Transferable skills or Transferable moods/fears/insecurities.
Transferable skills are normally associated with employment or education.
A transferable skill is a skill that you are able to use in more than one situation i.e.
·Plan and arrange events and activities
· Delegate responsibility
· Attend to visual detail
· Deal with obstacles and crises
· Present written material
· Present material orally
· Manage time
· Repair equipment or machinery
· Keep records
· Handle complaints
· Coordinate fundraising activities
· The ability to influence others
· The ability to motivate others
And you can see why some of them are considered valuable assets in the workplace.
That's just in the workplace.
When you consider all the abilities we need to live our lives, managing ourselves, dealing with other people and being responsible for bringing othersinto the world you can begin to appreciate what fantastic skills we have.
Many of our skills we develop quite naturally as we are growing up. Skills that in some way enhance our experience of life. These skills and strengths tend to become part of who we are rather than a skill that we can transfer. In fact they are probably not even recognised as a skill and in some cases rather a fault, weakness.
But like everything else in life, skills are skills, strengths are strengths. If some seems to be coming from the 'dark side' they are still what they are and by the law of everything should be transferable.
Think about the people you have known or known of, who have had a negative impact on you.
It's easy to recognise the people who bitch, moan or are miserable and easy enough if you are vigilant to remain alert to their influence and refuse to let yourself get drawn into their negative patterns. They certainly prove themselves to have a certain influence and could easily make the unsuspecting switch mood or opinion. What a powerful skill. Transferring it to achieve the opposite would ensure they had loads of friends.
However, it is the really skilled people with the much more subtle approach that are really wasting their talents.. The people who have the ability to change the way you are thinking and leave you feeling flat without ever really saying much. You know you've spent some time with them because your attitude has changed from being optimistic about a situation to being fault finding and suspicious.
There is no doubt about it those people can spot a fault at 100 feet and that's their great skill but using it to create a bad atmosphere is using that very valuable skill in a negative way. If only they could transfer that skill so that they were able to be helpful and supportive the outcome would be much more satisfactory and they would be valuable contributors and friends. As they are so subtle in their approach then they tend to have a great influence on others and before you can blink an eye, what was a relaxed and positive atmosphere is now a hostile and uncompromising experience.
Take people who are basically insecure. A skill that some of these people develop is to subtly and cleverly create that insecurity in someone who was previously quite upbeat. This is especially noticeable in tests or times when the potential for insecurity might be at its peak.
This takes place in partnerships too where one partner feels insecure or inadequate and over a period of time starts to erode the confidence of their partner so that they begin to develop a dependence whilst building the security of the once insecure partner as they are feeling more needed. This is often followed by the now empowered person developing a disrespect for their partner who then become the devalued one.
A split may soon follow as the newly powerful member of the partnership has so skillfully empowered themselves that they now feel too good for the robbed and depleted half of the relationship.
If they could recognise this behaviour, because that is all that it is, then they could transfer hat skill to a positive role helping to cement the relationship and empower the partnership.
Sometimes it's not easy, to give up the 'power' status as although rationally they perfectly understand emotionally they need to cling to the empowerment and put down their partner. They need that feeling of superiority to make them feel safe. Unfortunately such people may never feel whole enough or strong enough to face their demons and could live out the rest of their lives victimising others like emotional vampires, whilst coming across to casual aquaintences as the nicest person you could hope to meet.
If ever they are able to summon up the courage to do something about it then they really could be very effective and empowered in any relationship they chose.
Something to bear in mind next time someone really winds you up.
Picturing ski slopes reduces hay-fever symptoms by a third. Sniffles be gone: self-hypnotism may provide a partial cure to hay fever.
People itching for a solution to seasonal allergies could get help from self-hypnosis, a team of Swiss researchers suggests. The study finds that simply focusing one's thoughts on allergen-free environments can reduce symptoms of hay fever by one-third.
Although the arrival of spring brings better weather, it also triggers the release of plant pollens that cause allergies. Hay fever affects about 10-15% of adults in industrialized nations. To treat this, people turn to medications such as antihistamines, decongestants and sometimes steroids. But these can cause side-effects such as drowsiness, a dry mouth and raised blood pressure.
Allergy sufferers have sought alternatives approaches, including psychotherapy-related methods, to ease their itchy eyes and runny noses. Wolf Langewitz of the University Hospital Basel, Switzerland, and his colleagues sought to find out how well self-hypnosis works.
“We felt that the results were encouraging enough to tell people to try it, because this intervention is free of side-effects.” - Wolf Langewitz University Hospital Basel, Switzerland
About 40 patients stuck with the regime for roughly two years, and were tested for their biological response to allergens: they were exposed to pollen and their congestion was assessed using a device that measures airflow through nasal passages.
The participants were tested twice: once in the absence of self-hypnosis, and once after practising this form of therapy. Their symptoms, as measured by the congestion test and from simply asking the patients how they felt, dropped by a third thanks to hypnosis.
Langewitz admits that the findings are preliminary and a bigger study is needed. But, he says, "we felt that the results were encouraging enough to tell people to try it, because this intervention is free of side-effects". Sheerin adds that the treatment may have other benefits: "Some people can't afford the medicine." Abstract from original Article - Self-hypnosis squelches allergies, by Roxanne Khamsi, NATURE MAGAZINE
A placebo is something that has an effect for no known reason and therefore the effect is attributed to a belief rather than any intervention. For a more detailed explanation and explosion of the placebo effect click here.
Placebos have been around for a long time and the namw comes from the stem word to 'placate' meaning to soothe or please.
In the USA placebo operations were carried on on patients with Osteoarthriis of the knee. The result showed that there was no difference even after 12 months between the improvement of the genuine op and the placebo op wheras the control group who did not have any kind of operation did not improve and deteriorated post the experiment. The placebo op was a nick in the knee and conversation in the theatre that would be similar to a normal operation. See report here
The colour of the tablet is carefully considered by pharmaceutical companies. Research has shown that the correctly chosen colour can enhance the effectiveness of the medication.
As more and more evidence comes in to show that our thoughts have a profound effect on our bodies. So then you would think that we should all be able to think ourselves healthy ... but it's not that simple. The subjects of the placebo effect are not thinking themselves well, they are believing themselves well and that's hard to manufacture. We rarely have any control over it. It's just one of those thoughts that we don't even know we are thinking.
In this country it is considered bad form for the NHS to make use of placebo but that doesn't stop the placebo working the other way. How easy is it to form a belief when you have the word of a professional i.e. "You have arthritis and will need a replacement knee wthin 5 years", "You have congenital heart problems in your family we will have to keep a regular check on your heart function". Two potential negative placebos are instantly in place in those examples. We shouldn't just blame the doctors though, you know yourself that we all have a little hypnochondria in us and to some extent when we read/hear about symptoms can recognise them in ourselves.
It is and has been said by some very prominent people that anything you can image you can have and unfortunately that works for the negative things too.
Do you know what you are thinking?
Well considering we have an estimated average of 15,000 thoughts per day - that's 10 per minute, every minute of the day and night, it's probably fair to say that for most of the time you do not know what you are thinking.
Many thoughts are going to be reinforcing your beliefs so for the knee patients from the experiment they would be regularly telling themselves that the operation had improved their knee and it was cleaned out and getting better. They would feel the emotional relief of the promise of less from the pain. A belief that they weren't really aware of but just accept.
Out of those 15,000 thoughts at least 1/2 are said to be negative. That's an awful lot of negativity that you are absorbing without even knowing it for most of the time. So it's not unreasonable to think that if your positive beliefs can make you better then your negative ones can make you ill.
Research into quatum physics is now beginning to show that our thoughts have influences and effects that we never even dreamed of not only on ourselves but also on the biosphere around us. Therefore our thoughts can effect others and the world we live in. But the first stop for our thoughts is our body.
So does positive thinking work?
There are many books around on the power of positive thinking and plenty of best sellers on the subject to and while a positive is better than a negative one, it would be impossible to use positive affirmations to replace all those negative thoughts that are working away in the background of your mind.
Some of the negative thoughts are worries and those are more noticable so that you can start to change things by being vigilant and learning to rationalise your thought processes in order to eventually worry less. It's a lot easier to just carry on worrying though.
Spiritual beliefs are much deeper than positive thoughts. Even unrealistic or unreasonable beliefs. Ingrained beliefs from the past that are not really relevant or sensible are also difficult to overcome unless you stop and rethink them each time they pop up i.e. it is wasteful to not empty your plate.- but worse - you will never get anywhere with your attitude etc. etc.
Creating the positive belief in the face of all the implanted negatives is serious business.
Being more consicous of the words you are using for both internal and external communication can be a useful start towards beginning to chance the way you think. See here for free offer
If you saw a hyperdermic needle and someone told you they were going to inject you with a miracle cure for tiredness or depression or the common cold and you saw them preparing the injection, then you were asked to look away and you felt a pin prick or a hair on your arm being pulled then you would probably believe you had the injection. What'smore you would probably notice that you were less tired or more cheerful or brushed off your colds more easily. Just because you had reasonable evidence to support the fact that you had the injection.
Hypnotherapy is able to get beyond your doubt and create a new thought, which if congruent with your desires will begin to act like a belief at least temporarily. So for instance you would not need to go to the trouble of arranging a hyperdermic needle for hypnotic suggestion to give you the belief that you were feeling more energetic, more cheerful or less susceptible to colds.
Using self-hypnosis can also help to change a desire into a belief. Check out our new self-hypnosis course starting soon.
This is good but the trouble is that often the underlying belief doesn't want to go away. It's being occupying your mind for a while and doesn't want to give up, so it can be a long process to persuade and encourage your negative thoughts to let go.
For a million corrupt and faulty reasons negative thoughts, beliefs and influences will not give up. Many people are aware of them but just don't know what to do about them. People are left feeling less than they could be, unfulfilled and if not miserable at least tense and mildly suffering. Some people who are basically positive tend to put a brave face on it and try to ignore this, others find ways to divert their attention from it often never being able to relax and always having to be busy doing something. You can see how all this effort creates an emotional conflict and over a period of time that internal unrest and underlying negativity is going to show up in physical symptoms.
Resolving these deep routed negative beliefs is a skilled job and rarely one that can be done without professional help. Hypnoanalysis can set you free from this negative entrapment.
Tablets that mask the symptoms (that need attention) tend to work for a while but will eventaully throw out more symptoms needing more medication until you are taking medication purely to conteract the effects of the medication you are taking.
We are not yet developed enough to use the great potential of our mind to fully treat our health but I believe we are at the dawning of a new era where we will start to take more responsiblity for our health care and expect a naturally healthy life.
However, working on yourself and using several methods to create a more positve mind set is always helpful until that time comes.
Here are a few suggestions from the thousands of ideas out there:
Look up towards the ceiling or sky when you're feeling down - it will lift your spirits..
Try chanting a positive affirmation each monring before you start your day.
Use time in the car (especially in jams) to affirm your calmness/positivity/enthusiasm/professionalism
Don't worry about things you have no influence over - it will happen or it won't - worrying about it will only make any potential outcome worse.
Think of the good things you have done
Don't expect too much of yourself and acknowledge your efforts
Smile at people that you don't know - make someones day.
Laugh at your problems or worries
Please feel free to add your own comments and suggestions below.
Did you know that placebos can also have a negative effect resulting in the recipient experiencig negative symptoms - know as a nocebo.
With the onset of Autumn and the rapidly approaching Winter, SAD or Seasonal Affective Disorder sufferers might already be starting to feel the effects of a dull wet end to the Summer and increasingly shorter days and poor light.
This all sounds a bit negative but even if you have not prepared for the effects of SAD in the late Summer, which is always advisable, there are a lot of effective things you can do to try and alleviate those blues feelings.
If you have not already got them get some Full Spectrum Lighting in your home even if it's only where you spend most of your indoor time...so if you read a lot get a FSL reading light bulb...if you're in the kitchen a lot get one here and a good place is in the bed room on a timer to come on at an appropriate morning time to kick start you into the day. Some people swear by them in the bathroom that helps them when showering and making up for work etc
In addition to indoor light exposure make sure you plan to spend quality time outdoors everyday even if it's overcast....even overcast light is better light than indoor light...as Christmas time is sometimes a peak time for SAD plan outdoor activity over the festive period too.
Your diet may also be a major player in SAD....try to keep "junk" food to a minimum...simple carbs like biscuits, cakes, pastries, breads and sweets don't help much except if you want to gain unwanted weight....and its a good time to consider your wheat intake as this Winter wheat products are expected to sore in price due to poor global wheat harvests resulting from climate change effects.
You probably already know that serotonin levels in the brain are important for regulating mood, sleep and appetite and to maintain levels be sure to have plenty of complex carbs such as fresh fruits and veg and wholegrains and other foods associated with serotonin levels such are chicken, turkey, cottage cheese and peanuts (so long as you are not intolerant to any of these)...a good time to eat these foods strategically are mid day to late afternoon... then to push the resulting tryptophan increase through the blood brain barrier try a little mash or small jacket potato for supper. If you are taking Serotonin Re-Uptake Inhibitors check with your GP about increasing these types of foods.
If you are often dull and sluggish it might help to maintain good protein levels as these boost dopamine and norepinephrine levels that help to keep you alert and active....be sensitive to protein at breakfast as we notoriously neglect protein at this meal favouring packet cereals and toast like breakfasts...try omelettes, poached or boiled egg...cottage cheese...bean pate or nut butters on wholegrain toast....or bacon or turkey rashers. Top up at lunch with sensible protein intake. As the day recedes you protein intake is less useful....this is interesting when you consider that many people have a thumping big protein driven meal in the evening when their bodies are preparing for approaching sleep.
Remember, you don't want to add to your stress levels by making drastic dietary changes all at once and if you really fancy something naughty but nice it might be important that you have it occasionally so long as you are eating well for 90% of the time. So if you are always thinking about chocolate cake or hob nob biscuits then to resist this desire can often make things worse...just keep things in proportion.
If you are not on medication and want to use supplements remember that supplements are what they say they are... they only supplement a good or appropriate diet and ask your GP if they are safe with any medication you might be taking....
So what supplements might help with SAD? There are many claims for many supplements and you may have to try several to find one that works well for you but the following have been shown to be helpful in nutritional circles.
1.Essential Fatty Acids help with normal brain function and many other things these days so they are worth considering
2. Vitamin B Complex helps maintain normal brain and nervous system functioning and can help with stress.
3. The mineral zinc has been found to be deficient in people with depression...use the lozenge type and do not exceed stated dose.
The thing about natural products and supplements is that it's often horses for courses and some people discover one that really helps them while it might not help a friend they know who also has SAD so it may help to work with a Nutritionist who can steer you throught the jungle with both foods and supplements.
If you are on any medication consult with your GP or a health professional if you are thinking of taking supplements or making considerable changes to your diet.
May I wish you good Winter health and well-being
Barry Todd |(Nutritionist)
Mind & Body Therapies Ltd. Registered address: 52 Bolton Street, Bury BL9 0LL Tel: 0161 764 1440 Company registration no 7736136