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Category: Mind Matters

  1. Are they lying?

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    anxiety3

    Having someone who is a pathological liar is to say the least difficult to live or work  with. 

    The effect of being on the recieving end of an onslaught of lies can eventually leave you vulnerable (is it me or was that actually a lie) suspicious, not just of your liar companion but of others too and very, very frustrated.  You can either argue and if you are arguing with an accomplished liar then they are the ones who can talk their way out of a paper bag and leave you dizzy and even more frustrated, or you can swallow it and carry on building  up your frustration within.

    Being able to spot the lie with reasonable accuracy must be like the answer to a million prayers..... but is it.  If you were pretty certain that someone was lying to you how would that change what you did about it.  Of course, it depends on who it is who is doing the lying and if the lying is damaging to you.

    Types of Liars

    Some people lie for effect - shall we call these the fishermen telling about the one that got away.  They are fairly harmless and often entertaining too.  If you live with them it may irritate after a while but no real damage or gain.

    There is absolutely no point in 'tackling' this type of liar as they don't even realsie they are doing it.  They are just entertaining.

    I used to work with someone like this.  He was always telling tall stories about what he had bought - on one occasional a massive colour tv bigger than big - or tales of accomplishments etc.  Underneath he was pretty insecure but his tall stories bigged him up in the office and were harmless and often entertaining once it was acknowledged that almost everything he said was a lie.

    Then are those who lie because they want to avoid conflict - we could call these the chickens as they would rather cluck cluck in agreement with you than say what they actually feel.  They are the ones who are likely to come across as cooperative and in agreement with you yet do what they want behind your back.  They are not malicious and wouldn't hurt you but want to do their own thing without discussion and want to protect themselves from criticism.  Children fall into this group and those who have not got much condifence or self-esteem. Nagging rarely works long term.

    "Yes. Of course I remembered to post the letter." whilst surrupticiously shuffling it deeper into their pocket to forget again and then denying culpability when the red bill comes.

    Following on from this group are the -garden fencers - these are the people that have to be calling seemingly everyone that they come into contact with.  They have nothing much to talk about of their own so they critise others.  Beware of trusting these people and be sure that if they are calling someone to you they will be calling you to others.  You are not special to them.  They exaggerate and try to cause  conflict for you as you take their apparent side in the dispute and enact their dissatisfaction.   They are looking to enhance their support and put others down.  Again people with low self-worth.  Only dangerous if they are able to rally support turning the while situation into a bullying excercise only to step in ans rescue their victim  leaving you seeming to be the bad guy.

    We all know people like this who call their best friend or relative  with venom only to be cosy and close the next time you see them together.

    Stretching the latter group a little further we get what we shall call  - the cheaters.  These are the ones who take that cooperative superficial veneer and cover up doing exactly what they want and as much as they can get away with.  So they would be unfaithful if you were their partner, they would gain at your expense if you worked with them or were their friend.  These are a very difficult group to deal with as they just don't seem to care whether you are aware or not.  The more you care about this group the more you get hurt.  The harder you try to understand them the harder you fall.  These liars are the ones who never appreciate what they have - occasionally and very occasionally at that until they loose it.  It is no use trying to reason with these people and unless you want to attempt  to rule them with an iron rod providing  you have something to threaten them with, like their job, then you may as well walk away earlier rather than later. 

    How to spot the liar.

    As with most things it 's easy when you know how!

    Preparing for your test

    In order to spot a lie with reasonable accuracy you have to first develop a habit of watching very closely and paying attention to everything about the person that you are observing.

    So you need to be aware of the body movement and subtle changes.  Don't go reading books about body language and what it tells you because everyone is an individual and  what might work for the majority may be very different for someone else. 

    Notice their facial expressions as they are talking, where they look, if their colouring changes subtly - again don't go reading books about eye accessing or assume that a blush means guilt as everyone is different although the person in front of you will be the same each time they communicate.

    Notice the tone of their voice, the speed of their talk, the rythmn of their speech and how these things change depending on the subject they are talking about.

    Do this until you feel you are becoming competent  and it is second nature.

    Now for the test.  .

    In order to carry out this test successfully you will need to prepare your subject.

    First develop a good understanding of all of the above in normal communication with them. 

    Now this may be a little harder but put them in a situation where you are certain that they are lying - if they are willing it could be a game (see below for suggestion).

    Notice the changes that take place when they are lying (and there absolutely will be definite subtle things that happen  - it is almost impossible for there not to be.

    Now make a note of these changes mentally and next time you suspect them of lying then just relax and look out for the subtlties of the lie. Voila spotted.

    I know someone who gets angry and defensive when clallenged and lie in response.  i.e. !How could you say that to me.  Don't you know me better than that?"  Given a similar situattion if they were being truthful they would be calmer and more reasonable.

    Another person I know changes the tone of her voice and it becomes like a story telling voice and sounds rehearsed when she is telling me a load of baloney.That of course is amplified when on the phone as the only clues I have are the voice and so it becomes more relevant.

    What you do with your knowledge is another matter. 

    You can see that in most cases reasoning or opening up a discussion does not solve the problem of the lies.

    There is no point arguing either as they wiull contniue to lie.

    Maybe a double bind is a good way to go such as "Now I know you will deny this and I know you are lying.  But just as long as you realise I know." "I don't need to discuss it."

    It will give you some satisfaction just informing them of this and eventually who knows they may decide for themselves that is't time to stop.

    A game could be let me see if you can fool me.  Hide a penny under one of three cups and by questioning you I will tell you which cup the penny is under. Tell them that the object of the games is to lie so that you don't know which cup the penny is under or they may choose to tell the truth.  For instance "is the penny under that cup?"  "Is it not under that cup?"  "Is it next to two empty cups?" etc  You won't know whether they are lying or telling the truth .... or will you. Proceed to question them and notice how the answer differently.  If you want to be super smooth and lull them into a flase sense of security then get the answer wrong but know yourself what the correct answer is.

    Andrea Lowe DHP NLP

    Andrea is a senior hypnotherapist with the General Hypnotherapy Register.She is also course tutor on the Mind and Body Hypnotherapy Practitioner Training course and Hypnotherapy  Foundation course.

     

     

     

  2. Just a Thought

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    thinking

    To say JUST a thought is probably the biggest undersell going.  Your thoughts are the most powerful influence you will ever encounter and most of your random thoughts tend to be negative and repetitive.

    A thought is the only thing separating you from who you want to be!

    And that's ambiguous because you can change the limitations that are holding you back or you can change the thoughts about who you want to be or in fact who are currently are.

    Your thoughts come in layers.  At the deepest level it is estimated that up to 80% are negative.  These are mainly thoughts that you are not really that aware of, the mental chatter that is constant  and of a subtle drip, drip nature so that you do not consciously listen.  Even at this level where the thoughts do not necessarily intrude into your consciousness you can begin to understand how very powerful your thoughts are. 

    One level up or therabouts and your thoughts are a little more accessible but still pretty subtle and random.  These are the thoughts you use to' big you' up.  Even if you are lacking in self confidence these thoughts bring you some superiority.  My hair is better than hers (even though shes more confident than me), my kids would never do that (even though that family seems more together than mine), I'm more likeable than them(even though they're more popular) etc etc  This type of thought is your defence talk like the corner man in the boxing ring, championing you on as you get pushed back out there to face your world. 

    You're not terribly aware of these thoughts either but when you do catch yourself thinking that way it reinforces any negative feelings you have about yourself and you feel a subtle shame or guilt - but also safe in the knowledge that only you know.

    Other thoughts you are more aware of:-  Making plans for the day, I must do's included.  Frustrating thoughts about being unresourceful and unmotivated.  Pleasant thoughts about a planned day/meeting/event.  Thoughts about what you could wear and the impression you want to make.  These kind of thoughts are  much more in your consciousness and you have more conscious control over them.

    For those who are working on themselves there may also be another layer.  This is the positive thinking, self-affirmation, self talk in the mirror thinking.  It's the  force feeding of thoughts, stuffing in what you think is good for you.  You need to be sure you are giving yourself the correct message and you have to do it regularly.

    Guess which of your thoughts are the most powerful?  And remember we are talking about the most powerful things you will ever encounter.

    You might think it would be the positive thinking affirmations that would be the most powerful ....it would be very convenient and empowering if it were that way.  How fantastic would that be - to be in control of your own thoughts.

    But no, think again.  It is the drip drip 80% negative thought that are the most powerful and influencial.  So to compete with them you would need to  invest 80% of your waken time consciously thinking positive thoughts.

    Positive thinking can't do anything other than help providing you are thinking the right thoughts.  Your unconscious thought have a way of masking what you could be thinking and setting you up with a less ideal alternative.  So t's a good idea to spend a little time relaxing and being aware of your thoughts and your reactions to them. 

    If a thought makes you fell a bit wobbly then sit with it for a while and examine what  the wobbly feeling is about.  There may be something else you need to address first.  Allow your deeper thought room at the surface and see what messages you are getting.  Don't be afraid of your thoughts.

    Determine also to stretch your comfort zone every day by doing something a liitle challenging physically at first if you need to take it slowly then psychologically like smiling at a stranger or saying boo to a goose..  It helps to also influence and expand the comfort zone in your thoughts.

    Next time you think it's JUST a thought, think again.

  3. Peace, Light and Love

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    Peace, light and love
    Lets all show some respect for each other.
    1063h0086
    Times of uncertainty and change can bring out the worst in people.  Why?, Well they have fixed ideas about how they see things and how they want things and they think they know best.

    It is good to be confident in your opinions but just like in  a lot of other situation it is also good to respect that others have their opinions too and allow them room for that.

    Until we find out that there is a digital cloud system  scoring our behaviour and choices the result of which will send us up to heaven or down to hell, though we may have great faith in our judgement, we will never truly know which choice/opinion/belief is actually right - if any.  Somehow I don't think that's gonna happen .. but I could be wrong!

    We live in a democracy and some people don't seem to know the meaning of that.  Democracy means that the choice goes with the majority opinion and even if that is only greater by a fraction  - that's democracy.

    I personally believe that whatever happens, it has happened for a reason.  Whether that is a political vote that goes the wrong way for me, or a potentially life changing vote that could make a big difference to how we live in Great Britain.  Now that we have left the EU there will be a period of disruption and resettlement and things will settle into some sort of order.

    In my humble and non judgemental opinion i think that there have been voices crying out to be heard for the last 20 years or so and maybe the vote reflects that - I could be wrong of course.
     
    There are those in the EU who are being led at the moment by their emotional responses whereas if they have a bit of breathing space they will begin to look at the situation a little more logically and put their professional heads back on. (if they have any)

    It's not just politically that this rationalisation is important.
     
    I also believe that every time I break my ankle or get a virus or illness of some kind it is a time for me to reflect on the message I am getting.  I believe it happens for a reason.  You can either take the time to reflect and think about what the message is telling you or you can get grumpy - why is this happening to me kind of attitude.

    People seem to only consider themselves when they are so adamant about their beliefs.  Is it not time that we started to respect one another and allow people freedom to think their own way without being subject to  denigration we get enough of that with some bickering politicians.

    Lets learn to give each other respect even though we might think differently to them, let's not expect them to think like us and trust that we will do the best that we can for each other.

    We have been running a business on Bolton Street now for many years and have come across all sorts of back stabbing and dirty dealings.

    You may recall that we used to run Mind Body Spoirit fairs in the Drill Hall (Castle Armoury) for a few years.  Now you would have thought, at least I thought, that everyone  who took a stall would be considerate and fair and non judgemental,  Although we met some lovely people and some who we still have contact with now, there were an awful lot who were hard-nosed business people with little regard for others.  I was actually blamed at one point for someone being stuck in the snow in the street outside as they were queuing to unload.  This attitude by the majority was a great shock to me at the time.

    We have had several attempts to sabotage and disrupt our business by others in the area although we have made many friends.

    Rachael from Gronn only wrote last week about waiting for an appointment in a salon and overhearing bitchy comments amongst the staff  about her business.

    We have had people from other centres and cafes  coming into ours  just to see what is going on and on the menu so that we find them copying  dishes.  What is wrong with letting us know that they are just popping in to have a nosy and would we mind if they took a menu. That's more respectful.

    The worst is when people come in on the pretext of asking about a services then without a by your leave start mingling with the guests (without even buying a drink) promoting another event elsewhere.  What's wrong with asking if they can let people know about the event?  That's showing a little respect to us and our business.

    Its all just so underhand and disrespectful.  However, I am tolerant of their behaviour.  I really don't care to sneak into other establishments and see how they are operating.  I'm not saying I wouldn't pick up ideas whilst I am out and about, that is just unavoidable in an active and creative mind, but I wouldn't go out and deliberately make a point of it.

    I believe in Karma and trust in serendipity so those who don't,  carry on with your sneaky and disrespectful ways and hopefully you will come to understand eventually.  - That is if I am right.

    Peace love and light to all - lets spread it.

  4. Stretching Your Comfort Zone

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    Stretching your comfort zone

    1620h0063

    What is a comfort zone?

    Literally a comfort zone is an area where you are able to feel emotionally comfortable and unchallenged. If you compare it to muscles it is the area in which you can move your muscles without feeling any strain or stress at all.
    Things that challenge your muscles are clearly defined and common to everyone.
    Things that challenge your emotions are much more complex, varied and individual to each person.

    What is a challenge to your comfot zone?

    anxiety1

    Walking into a roomful of strangers may challenge some people.
    Standing up and giving a presentation others.
    Asking for direction from a stranger may be a stretch for some.
    Making a decision without running it by someone might be a real stretch too.

    We all have limits to our personal comfort and things that would be a challenge for us or make us think twice.

    Why do we need to stretch our comfort zone?


    Just like muscles if your comfort zone is not stretched regularly then it begins to shrink and seize up.  But just like muscles when you excercise them by stretching they get stronger and the things that were once difficult now seem much more manageable.

    However, left unchallenged, emotional stagnation means that you start to withdraw and go within yourself, shutting yourself off from other people and life experiences.

    How do I stretch my comfort Zone?

    anxiety3

    To stretch your muscles and keep them toned you would go to the gym or exercise regularly.  It's not so easy to stretch your comfort zone, but equally you don't have to devote a lot of time to it by taking time out to go the the gym or exercise physically in some other way.

    To stretch your comfort zone you just need to be more aware of your limitations, comfortwise, set yourself very simple and easy targets and start to expand them.  You really need to be looking at a daily challenge workout.

    This is also quite difficult to monitor because people tend to be drawn to where they are comfortable and indulge in a complimentary activity which might be good for some things but not stretching them

    For instance if someone was shy and they wanted to work on it.  Stretching your comfort zone would be ensuring that they a) struck up a conversation with someone every day b) smiled at a stranger every day c) joined a class alone, or any number of similar things. Doing any of these actions or a mix would eventually lead to you feeling comfortable with that activity as it becomes your comfortable norm.  Then you would need to find another area that would stretch that zone thus over a period of time more things are available to you within your comfort zone and you also know that yet more things are accessible with a little effort.

    Yet that person might well be drawn to meditation or affirmations each morning in front of the mirror.  While these are methods of improving yourself and working on problems they are not stretching your comfort zone.  That's like rubbing cream into your muscles and maybe even having a massage it's indirect action  and not getting you anywhere.  Maybe even taking you further away from your goal.

    Quick guide to stretching your comfort zone:

    a) Chunk it down
    Think about something small that would not be too much of a challenge for you and do it daily until you have 'stretched' into being comfortable with it.
    b)Move on
    Once you have become comfortable with your first activity think about another  that would be a slight stretch but within your capabilities and work on that.
    c) Don't stop
    Keep stretching and moving on with new focus

    Before you know it you will have a much bigger zone in which you can feel comfotable.

    Andrea Lowe Senior Hypnotherapist at the Mind & Body centre

    Course Tutor, Hypnotherapy Practitioner Course

    www.andrealowehypnotherapy.co.uk

  5. What is Self-Hypnosis Anyway?

    Posted on

    What is Self-hypnosis Anyway?

    sleep1
    Self-hypnosis is a much misunderstood phrase.  Some of that is because 'hypnosis' is  very much misunderstood too.

    Let's see what this hypnosis thing is all about

    If you imagine a spectrum stretching from you being fast asleep and gone to the world to the other extreme where you are bouncing around full of life, anywhere along that spectrum is a possibility for you.  More than  that, every point on the line is something that you pass through every day unless you have some restrictions that stop you like ill health or physical restrictions.

    Hypnosis does not take you away from that line and in fact the point at which hypnosis occurs is part of your everyday life.
    Just before you go to sleep and just after you wake up you pass through a hypnotic state.  For some it is a mere nano-second and for others it can be a few minutes.  Have you ever been drifting off to sleep and heard someone or something that you are aware of but that sounds far away and/or you feel just too tired to respond?  That's hypnosis.  Similarly upon waking do you ever experience a lack of coordination and orientation for a brief second or even longer?  This is especially true if you are not in your normal surroundings.  That's hypnosis.
    reclining chair

    So if we do it every day and that's all it is how come we have to learn to do it?

    Ah well you see this is the magic about hypnosis.  It's not how to do it, better to say how to use it for your benefit.  It is not the actual hypnosis that you are using but tools that you can include in your experience in order to make that self-hypnosis impact-full for you.

    A self hypnosis course will teach you how to access that hypnotic state at will.  So that if you feel a 'power nap' would be beneficial you could use hypnosis to give you that restful period.  And when you are in that very relaxed state in a controlled way i.e. choosing to go there then it is far more refreshing than an actual 15 min nap.

    Wish fulfillment

     
    Self hypnosis is also useful when you want to plan ahead and aim for the things you want to achieve.  Unfortunately most people either wish for something without putting enough thought into it and taking the bigger picture into account or they wish for what they don't want. i.e. I don't want to eat cream cakes. which is focusing on the negative rather than the actual aims.

    So a big part of a self-hypnosis course would be to understand what you want, check it out and explore the consequences of this wish coming true.  If it is all okay then it is about learning how to embed that wish into your 'self'-hypnosis session.

    It is truly amazing that so many people use self-hypnosis wrongly and are reinforcing the things they want to leave behind or hoping for something without preparing the road effectively.

    Self hypnosis when carried out acturately can help you to:


    • Relax and be calm

    • Enjoy better quality sleep

    • Improve your confidence & self-esteem

    • Be a better public speaker

    • Improve your memory

    • Enhance your performance at work and sports

    • Become healthier and fitter

    • Promote rapid healing and recovery

    • Control or reduce pain without drugs

    • Learn faster and pass exams

    • Enjoy pregnancy and wonderfully natural childbirth (women only of course!)

    All that's left now then is to find a course and register.

    A Quick Word about Hypnosis Recordings

    You can of course buy or download a recording that gives you a guided visualisation or a gradual muscle relax.  Often they are themed.  This can sometimes be a problem as one size never fits all.  However, the biggest problem with these recordings is the skill of the people who made them.  If you are buying a recording you need to buy it from someone who has a reputation like Paul McKenna for instance and not someone who has just run a few recording off.  Paul McKenna, love him or loathe him will not risk his reputation by making mistakes in his dialogue.

    If you choose this option and play it regularly you will probably find that as you start to get used to the story you seems to drift off into your own world at a certain point and it is almost like you have drifted off to sleep but you have not as you awaken immediately the recording ends.  That is quite normal and you could imagine it as you mind getting fed up of hearing the same story and wandering to explore elsewhere.  This is not a problem as the recording is still registering in the correct place.
     
    My clients have told me about and brought to me several recordings by qualified therapists where they have given ill-though-out suggestions,  The client often eventually spots the mistake themselves and stops listening to it.  Sometimes it has caused a set back for the client that might take some time to reverse.


    Andrea Lowe
    Senior Hypnotherapist
    Course Tutor on Diploma Course in Hypnotherapy
  6. You are What you Think

    Posted on

    freedomThis week we heard about yet another person who has given up a safe job with regular money to plunge into the depths of self-employment after trying to manage a job and what could only be described as a hobby which will now be her source of income.  This follows not long after Rachael left the confines of working in a salon to branching out with her own place.

    It is a brave step to take - we know this and it is not easy - we know this too and you work longer hours that you would for an employer - oh yes we know this.

    However, the mental freedom that you gain from being your own boss, creating your own business, using your many latent talents and discovering the need to learn even more are exciting, challenging and rewarding - we know this.  They can also be daunting and downright heart stopping scary when you enter the big bad world.

    Of course it all depends on how you look at it.

    It is very telling that during the peak years of the  recession more people than ever (at least in our circle) left well paid high pressured jobs and went it alone.  They decided that they could forego a few foreign holidays and camp in Ashworth Valley in the rain instead and believe it or not it can be just as good fun if you look at it in the right way.

    So it is about the way you look at things and when you look in a positive way you are open to opportunities that come your way.  However, when you look at it from a scary position than you see all the possible dangers and threats and miss the opportunities.

    Whether it is about leaving your job or about your approach to life, finding a partner the positive and opptomistic outlook is always best.

    Stopping this positive outlook are memories and learned behaviours from the past.  You feel guilty about enjoying your life, you believe life should be a struggle, youthink you don't deserve to be happy, you feel responsible for others.

    As the Froxen songs says 'Let it go'.  Be happy

    If you want to talk about some of these issues informally I offer free consultations so just emails for an appointment.

    Andrea Lowe
    Senior Hypnotherapist and trainer